Feelings are for fools
by Celestial Beauty
Summary: The friendship between Severus and Lily, starts at the dissolution of it. Might be a multi-chapter story later on, however then changing the plot completely. JP/LE


**Note: **I don't know if this will be a longer story, or if I'll leave it as a oneshot. We'll see if I can come up with a plot that will do it justice and make sense.

This chapter also follows canon (except for the empty blanks I have come up with myself, which I realize now are quite a lot…)

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Harry Potter or anything related to it.

**Feelings are for fools**

_Lily…_

"Don't be stupid." Severus sneered and looked away, trying ineffectively to hide his feelings. He stared at a point as far away from the girl… woman as he could, the sight of Lily Evans was at the moment, too much for him to bear. She however, looked nowhere but at her, since longtime, friend.

"I had thought you wouldn't let this ruin our friendship…" She said softly and tugged a strand of bright orange hair out of her face and behind her ear. "I figured you would…"

"What?" Severus suddenly spat, his outburst surprising even himself. He turned his eyes upon her and met her gaze fiercely. "Give my consent? Wish you happiness? They are bastards Lily! You deserve someone much better then… then _him_! Anyone, I beg you, anyone but _Potter_!" His breath was pathetically irregular, like some stupid revealing Gryffindor. His whole body shook with repressed anger and his jaw was clenched shut.

Lily showed the first evidence of sadness with her eyes glistening as tears formed in her eyes. She leaned forward and touched his shoulder, grasping it tightly. Severus desperately wanted to return her touch, reach out for her leg. Touch it and never let go. His hand remained on his own leg though, and as her warm hand left his arm he felt a twinge of regret.

"Please Severus…" She whispered.

"No."

"Please! I wouldn't do this if I wasn't absolutely sure…"

"I said no."

"He has changed!"

"Changed? _Ha_. Potter cannot _change_. He was born to be a bastard, raised to be a bastard and his destiny is to be a bloody bastard. He is incapable of changing."

"Please don't do this to me…"

"Do this to _you_? Weren't you there during Hogwarts? Did you miss out on his small friendly… pranks? No Lily, it is I who beg you. Don't do this to _me_."

"Severus… I'm sure... I lo…"

"Don't say it."

"I love him."

He couldn't bring himself to replying. Her destructive words hung in the air still and brought his breath out of him. Needles pressed into his skin, punctured his heart. It screamed in agony and tortured inside him. Invisible hands took a hold of his intestines and twisted, turning them harshly. He felt like throwing up. He had been too late. She loved him.

Somehow he had thought this day wouldn't ever come. That she couldn't possibly be as stupid as to… Didn't she see his true nature? Couldn't she see how her life would turn out with him? Pure pain. There were no other words to describe his feelings. The ache, the hatred… and the love.

"Then our friendship is completely pointless." He said, forcing the words out. He wanted to hurt her, wanted to hurt her like she hurt him. No wait, that was wrong. He could never hurt her… He wanted to hurt _Potter_. Badly.

Severus saw her wet cheek and looked away, couldn't put himself through the torture of knowing that he _had_ indeed hurt her. But the betrayal he felt was so great. She was the only person who had treated him well, who had treated him kindly and with respect. Finally, she had realized who the hell she was dealing with. She had understood what he was worth; nothing. He had known this would happen one day, one way or the other, but Merlin how it _hurt_. Realizing that if he stayed there any further, he would probably ask her for forgiveness and do whatever she told him to. He stood up and walked away.

333

_Lily…_

He got an invitation anyway, white, expensive paper, bold design and large, elegant, _golden_ letters. Severus wanted to rip it into pieces, burn it, and destroy it. He crumbled the thick parchment in his hand and threw it in the trash bin. Then, instantly he regretted himself and picked it up and straightened it out. He touched the prominent letters and his imagination was instantly let loose. Severus imagined his name written in the same elegant letters next to hers.

He imagined their wedding, small, intimate, only with people they held close. He could _see_ her walk down the aisle, wearing a simple white dress. He could _feel_ her hand in his as he slid a ring on her finger. He could _smell_ her exquisite scent as she sat on the bed next to him; _hear_ her voice whispering lovely words in his ear. _Taste_ her skin, her lips…

As he slowly descended to present, in the dark, cramped room in his childhood house, he immediately felt disgusted with himself. Severus opened the first drawer on his desk and dropped the letter there, as if burned, shut it and locked it up. It would have to stay there.

333

_Oh my sweet Lily…_

"Fancy meeting you here, Snape." A voice drawled behind him. A voice he knew all too well.

He turned around slowly, trying desperately to regain his courage and keep it intact. He glanced at Potter who had a smirk plastered on his face and his white teeth glistened in the sun.

"Potter." He said with a nod and walked past him, doing his best in avoiding the man he hated so much. Even so their shoulders collided with a thud.

"Missed you at the wedding." Potter muttered as they stood only inches from each other.

Severus had never felt such dread before. His hand itched to his wand but in his mind he kept the picture of Lily alive and closed his eyes. When he opened them again Potter was looking at him curiously, as if studying an experiment. He broke himself free from the piercing stare and fled. Cursing loudly as he heard someone call his name, a woman, Lily. He kept walking, his mind and conscience in a turmoil and inner battle.

_Stop! She is calling for you!_

_Keep walking, you fool, she doesn't want anything to do with you._

_But she just called your name! _

_Oh shut up!_

Potter's death would cease so many troubles from existing in his life.

All the same he felt disgusted with himself for thinking like that, Lily loved him. For some unexplainable and very infuriating reason she loved him. And by wishing Potter the worst he wished Lily bad things as well. Severus was constantly sorely reminded that he would kill himself before he brought any harm upon her. Without any regret he apparated away from the alley, away from the pain.

333

_My flower…_

Severus sat by his now regular spot in the small, dark pub at Knockturn Alley. He ordered a drink and a grumpy man in his late fifties brought it to him with a grunt and left. The dirty glass was empty before the man had made it back to the counter, and he grunted again, louder, as Severus asked for another glass.

She wouldn't like this, he knew, as he sipped his drink. She never liked alcohol. Not even a glass of wine. But… if she had to, she would have champagne, not that sparkling stuff, but real champagne. Lily wouldn't like him drinking.

"Who cares what she thinks?" He muttered to himself and took a mouthful of burning liquor.

"Who cares what who thinks?" Someone said from behind him.

Severus lowered his drink from his lips and turned his head slowly to the side to see a woman, not particularly beautiful taking a seat next to him.

"Are you alone?" She said with a smile, and he noticed the hole between her two front teeth, and her callused hands resting on the table.

"Not anymore…" He muttered dryly and took another nip.

Her laugh was surprisingly clear, for she was indeed older than him, wrinkles creasing her eyes and forming lines by her mouth. Severus studied her closer now; curious as to know why this creature had come to sit by _him_ of all people. Though not very beautiful, she seemed smart. Blue eyes glistened, not with passion, but with consciousness and wicked thought. She had dark hair, probably the only attractive about her, that fell in waves down her shoulders. She still smiled, her hand resting in her hand on the table, supported by a pointy elbow.

"Find anything appealing?" She asked, amused.

"Not really." He responded cruelly, indifferently taking another mouthful of his drink, which was getting empty.

She laughed again and threw her hair to the side. "The first honest man I think I've ever met, I like that."

Her voice was warm and welcoming; she would accept anything, being as desperate as him. Severus found himself swallowing hard.

"I'm not interested at the moment." He said stonily with repressed emotions. Her smile haunted him knowingly again and she touched his hair, placing it behind his ear.

"Who said I was offering?" She whispered.

After a second of hesitation, Severus leaned forward and kissed her. Kissed her the way he wanted to kiss Lily. Kissed her the way he couldn't kiss Lily, kissed her until he couldn't kiss her anymore.

333

_Oh…_

He knew who had sent the owl the second he saw it. It had a dark brown gown of feathers, a spot of pure white by the left leg, yellow piercing eyes and an awareness that made the hair in his neck stand. Caesar had never been particularly fond of him, and the feeling was quite requited. However, he could not help but feel slightly excited as he took the letter from the owl's outstretched foot. An envelope, a rich parchment with a hint of blue, navy blue ink and handwritten letters that were very familiar, addressed to him…

He opened the envelope with shaky hands finally giving up in restoring the beautiful paper and eagerly tearing it up instead. He dropped the wrapping on the desk and folded up the letter inside, written in the same navy ink and handwritten letters.

_Lily and James Potter invite you to the naming of their son, Jonathan James Potter, born July 30, 1980…_

He froze. Had he been stupid to expect anything else? Something better? More along the lines of; "I'm divorcing him please take care of me". Of course he had been stupid, idiotic, a plain moron. Anything relating to Lily Evans made him stupid. He should have known that by now.

333

_Why isn't this you?_

"Aren't you staying?" She said as he hoisted himself out of bed and into his pants.

Severus hesitated and looked back at her, lying in bed naked and a cigarette twirling in her hand. "I believe our agreement was no attachment…" He began coldly.

Her laughter interrupted him. "Yes," she begun and took a drag of her cigarette. "But since when was conversing a marriage proposal?"

Severus gave it a seconds thought, and then he pulled down his pants again and lay down next to her, wrapping an arm around her. "Don't expect me to participate" He grunted.

Anna only laughed again and played with his hair, and they lay still, quietly. Severus found himself looking at the tattoo on her left arm, black and harsh against her pale, soft skin. Moving, curling and twisting itself around her flesh, he could almost hear a hiss.

"It's not as bad as they say it is…" She said with a looped smile when she saw and sensed his gaze.

Severus did not feel embarrassed about having been caught staring, everything happened so very naturally around Anna. Nothing felt forced or strange, they accepted each other without hesitation or any formal politeness.

"What do they say?" He asked, curiously.

She touched his cheek and smiled at him again. "That all we do is kill people… It's not true, I've never killed anyone. We do other kind of work as well… for a greater cause." She replied and sat up in bed, placing his head in her lap.

"There are a lot of people like you and me, Slytherins. Intelligent, clever individuals, a lot of purebloods, they make excellent connections… I have actually been allowed to do more work the way I want to. I saved a man's life by using the Greoch-curse. It's not a given that Dark Arts are dangerous… There are several studies that show the good outcome of the use of these spells! And this is the kind of research we should be doing! Not dancing around on our toes, pretending to be doing something useful…"

She stopped talking and looked down on him. "I want to help. No one else will listen, and so I will have to do what I can to make them."

"Sounds rather… alright" Severus muttered and touched the tattoo, tracing the contrast of it.

Her smile was nothing he had ever seen in her face before; she was for the first time attractive to him. Anna's entire spirit seemed to have been altered, if only for a moment. Twenty years left her face and she looked as young as Severus. He kissed her urgently; glad he had stayed with her. Glad she had made him stay.

333

_If you only knew..._

He had done it.

No… He had done _it_. He had done what Lily and he had talked about for so many years with disgust and hatred. They had discussed and argued and still came to the same conclusion, the same question every time. How could anyone join him willingly?

Severus had no answer to that question. Although he had done it. Willingly, indeed. Severus had joined them. He didn't feel satisfaction. He didn't feel good as the Dark Lord had promised he would. He didn't feel any different, maybe worse even. His arm was burning, and he was still shivering with fright, the lingering of the presence of Voldemort still alive. He had never experience such power. Never felt such authority. Respect was inevitable, admiration understandable and obsession unavoidable.

He felt something else though, something he had never felt before, a sense of belonging, a home. He found himself with friends, however shallow, still friends, something he hadn't much experience of. Anna grew to his side and they rarely left each other. He found himself with a partner. And although they didn't love one another, they had a companionship, a friendship stronger than anything he'd ever experienced, stronger than almost any kind of love.

He understood her, understood them all and their reasons to join Voldemort. He was hired at a pharmacist by the help of Lucius Malfoy and made potions daily. It didn't take long for the manager to realize his true potential and skill, and he was quickly upgraded into making advanced potions. Although, knowing what powerful friends he kept might have helped the promotion slightly, but being a Slytherin, such things didn't bother him.

Wolvesbane, his boss' latest discovery and brilliant business idea; "oh I know, let's squeeze all the money out of desperate werewolves!" It was simmering in front of him, slowly turning blue. He counted the stirs, twelve… thirteen… The door that opened didn't do anything to his concentration. He was by now used to employees running about, ignorant fools.

"There is a man asking for you out in the shop." One of those useless imbeciles said, sniffling. "They're waiting for you in the boss' office."

Severus looked up; he nodded, waved his wand and froze the potion. He had spent too much time on it only to have it ruined by someone as inadequate as Bernie. He didn't bother knocking, but opened the door and went inside, freezing on the spot as he saw the customers.

"Ah, here you are! Mr and Mrs Potter, Mr Lupin, Mr Black and Mr Petti..lew." Morton Alleygreys said, stumbling slightly at the last name. "Here is my finest potions master, Mister Snape! He is this very moment completing another batch of Wolvesbane. Finest quality indeed!" Mr Alleygreys said pompously.

There was a small silence as the room's occupants regained their breath and plastered their friendly, cheerioes smiles on.

"It's nice to see you again, Severus." Lily said with her kind voice, at looked at him with her kind eyes, and smiled at him with all her warmth.

He ignored her, couldn't look at her for long, too scared of what he might do. It had been four years since they saw each other last, and she looked so different, tired, worn and yet… happy.

What would she do if she knew what he had done? His mark burned and itched on his arm, Severus felt certain that she could see it, that she could sense it. What would she say? He felt the sweat prickle his forehead and his gaze flickered through the room.

"Oh! This is marvelous! You are acquainted! Splendid!" Morton said and clapped his hands, looking nervously at Remus. "Splendid!" He repeated somewhat quieter. "Then, Severus, you won't mind me leaving then? No, I must be going actually, my wife you see…"

And with that, the man had jumped out of his chair and left the room. However great the new income plan was, not even the thought of money could cure the idle little man from his fright of werewolves.

Severus took a look at the clock and cleared his throat. "Was there anything in particular you wanted? I actually get off about now…" He asked, trying to remain cool.

"We won't be long…" She said hastily and shook her head. "We won't take much time."

Another silence, longer and deeper. "Yes?" Severus asked.

How he wished that it was only Lily in the room.

"We were wondering about the effects of the potion." Sirius Black suddenly said, with a daring eye.

"I'll send you a copy of side effects." Severus sneered and turned around, ready to leave.

"Goodbye!" He heard Lily say softly after him.

He would ask himself in the future how he would have acted, had he known that it was the last time he would see her for ten years.

333

_If you were mine…_

He was shivering. His shoulders trembling and tears fell down his face. What had he been thinking? No… What the hell had he done? Was she…? Was he responsible for her death? The low, throbbing pain in his stomach and the tortured screams of his conscience was nothing compared to the ache of his heart.

Severus looked at his wand, vaguely wondering if it were possible to kill oneself with Avada Kedavra.

You dolt. You imbecile. You twisted, emotional, idiotic, pitiful excuse of human being! You disgusting and abominable creature of life! _What have you done?_

He sat there, rubbing his arm. He wanted it gone, the disgusting mark on his left underarm. What had possessed him to join them? What had caused him to believe that anything would change for the better if he did? The memory of Anna flooded his mind and he, even though he couldn't bring himself to hating her, found he disliked her. She had made his life manageable for a while, livable and even happy on a few rare occasions. But not even Anna had been able to stand him for any significant amount of time. Anna had left. She had left four months ago. Not only him, but Britain.

But, idiot, this wasn't about Anna. Anna is not responsible for this. You are, you, you, you, you… Pathetic, revolting, disturbing, cruel, abnormal, perverse, you are everything that sickens and everything that is truly repulsive. Go to hell with you!

A flash of green filled the room and Severus was disoriented for a while. But then he saw a man standing in the other end of the room, with a grim and disappointed look on his face. Albus Dumbledore took a step forward and shook his head.

"What have you done to yourself, my boy?"

333

_I can't help myself…_

"Interrogation the fifteenth November concerning violations of the Fundamental Laws article 6, 12, 14, 3, 9, 22 and 4. Committed by a Severus Tobias Snape, currently living at Spinner's End 7, Surrey. Leader of interrogation; Bartemius Crouch Senior, head of the Departement of Magical Law Enforcement and Cornelius Oswald Fudge. Court secretary: Amelia Susan Bones."

"Defense witness: Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore. Do you accept this?"

"I do." Severus said quietly.

Bartemius Crouch looked scrutinizing at him from behind a large book and pushed a pair of reading glasses higher upon his nose.

"You are accused of following violations: being a part of the illegal group known as the Deatheaters, intentionally using two out of the three Unforgivable Curses, the killing curse and the cruciatus curse. You are also responsible of participating in the murders of Luciana and Arnold Ackerley and for giving Voldermort vital information in the attack of Lily and James Potter the thirty-first of October 1980, this year. Are you Severus Tobias Snape?"

"I am." He answered in the same quiet voice.

"And you admit being an active part, willingly, of the group known as the Deatheaters?"

Severus hesitated a moment and glanced at Dumbledore quickly before answering. "Yes."

There was a deafening silence, the only noise being his blood rushing through his ears and a low sob at the end of the hall. He didn't dare to see whom it was crying; he already had a fairly good idea of who it was. Barty Crouch looked grim, but before another question was asked Dumbledore spoke up.

"I am here to testify to that statement. It is very true that Mr Snape joined the Deatheaters, but it is important that you are aware of the reason. He has served as a spy for me, delivering information that has been vital in the fighting of Voldemort." Dumbledore replied, calmly and stopping for a moment when the crowd drew their breaths, someone even shrieked at the mention of his name, the wounds were still raw.

"Indeed" Dumbledore continued, "He has committed crimes during his time with them; however Mr Snape has also shown great courage."

The silence was yet again deep, before a murmuring filled the hall, voices bouncing on the walls back and forth. Finally Barty Crouch had to shout to quiet them down. "Order!"

"Is this true?" He asked Severus who nodded and said yes.

There was a silence, although not much

"All those in favour of conviction?"

Three shaky hands raised. "And those against?" The rest of the Wizengamot's hands raised high into the air, many of them looking loyally at Dumbledore who only smiled and bowed his head.

"Cleared of all charges!"

And then it was over. As strange as it was and as odd it felt. He was free.

333

_Oh Lily…_

"Sev! Sev! Severus!"

The voice travelled through the empty corridor. He stopped and waited for her to catch up, not turning around, not answering her cries. His heart fluttered and his mind was peaceful. He owed her this, he owed her his life. She finally caught up, panting slightly after a slight run or a very quick walk. As she came into his sight, he held his breath. Her hair was tousled, her cheeks stained with fresh and old tears.

"Is it true?" She breathed, she was standing close enough for her breath to tickle his chin.

He swallowed before he allowed the lie to roll of his tongue as easily as if he were saying yes to another piece of pie. "It is."

Her expression changed, her whole body relaxed and she breathed out heavily. "Thank you," she whispered, "oh I knew it couldn't be true…" Her hug was unexpected, but she let go almost as quickly and suddenly as she had touched him. For him it lasted an eternity. He almost couldn't stop his hands from collecting her in his arms and press her against his body again.

Her gaze was not focused on him, he noted a few moments later. It was fixed on a spot behind his shoulder and as he turned his head he saw Potter lingering behind. His heart clenched painfully but his face turned into a skillfully done mask of indifference. She didn't seem to notice. Potter, to his horror walked up to him, his face assembling something as gratitude, confusion and wariness.

He didn't want his thanks.

Severus started to walk again but a hand placed on his shoulder hindered him. Potter let him go when he saw the furious look Severus sent him. "I…" Potter began. "I simply want to thank you."

Severus looked at him coldly for a second before he broke the eye contact and started to walk away. "I didn't do anything for you." He said over his shoulder, hoping to sound as indifferent as possible. He suspected that he failed greatly.

333

_If you only knew…_

It knocked lightly on his office door and Headmaster Dumbledore respectfully walked in when he called out.

"I trust you find your quarters to your liking?" He asked with a piercing stare.

"They are fine." Severus muttered, dodging the look that searched for his eyes by turning around, "More than fine. "

Dumbledore chuckled and looked at him over his spectacles. "We are having a staff meeting today at four o'clock, in the staff room. You will be presented with the curriculum and the classes you will be teaching. Some friendly advice from your fellow colleagues as well I think, without a doubt."

Severus nod was the only indication that he had heard what Dumbledore had said. He stared down at the table made out of massive wood in front of him. A hand lightly touched his shoulder.

"There is no use to dwell upon the past." Dumbledore said in a light tone. Severus looked up and met the man's gaze. "One can find themselves neglecting the present by living in moments that have since long come and gone. All we can do is to accept the choices we once made and believe that at the time they provided you with peace and comfort, no matter the consequences, and learn from the experience."

There was something strange about the man's tone and expression that seemed to touch a distant memory of his own that made Severus blink and think about the tumbling things that had happened, the changes that his life had undergone. He barely noticed as Dumbledore started to leave the room.

"Remember four o'clock, my friend. It will not do to be late." He said softly and disappeared, leaving Severus alone to his train of thoughts.

_How much I love you…_

333


End file.
